P3115

Do you ever feel like God is late? Not like normal friends that show up later than they said they were going to,but genuinely like,you thought something should have happened by now? Or that something should be over,but it's still lingering around?

Lately I've kind of felt that way. It sucks to be human,and to actually think that God might just be kicking back and relaxing when you feel like He should be moving. I guess that's my will taking the space in my heart where His should be. I feel like an idiot sometimes for butting heads with Him over it,but it's something I need to work on.

I look at my life,and I'm far from where I want to be when I was little and imagined what it would be to be 24. If you would have asked me 14 years ago what I'd be doing,where I'd be,if I'd be married with kids,etc;I probably would give you a 180 from where I'm at now. My mind tends to wonder between,"God's will was for me to be here,this way,right now" and "Man,I really blew a lot of stuff and now I'm stuck here,probably doing the last thing God ever wanted me to do."

Psalm 31:15 says,"My times are in Your hand." That makes me think that I can't possibly be in the wrong place. Or that I'm doing the wrong thing. I believe God is truly in control,but at the same time He gave me free will. I could chose to love Him,or say screw it and never talk to Him again. Kind of a scary thought.

So back to where my mind was originally,is this what God thought of when He created me? Did he want me in Grants Pass,driving an armored truck,emotionally nuked,physically destroyed,just getting by? Or did He plan to have me being a missionary in Africa? A doctor in North Carolina? A homeless guy in Vegas? It's thoughts like this that rattle me. I can't figure out if it's God telling me to move,or Satan telling me I'm worthless.

I guess today is just another chance to trust Him. To keep moving forward and to not look back and question. He didn't have to give me today,but He did. So there's probably a good chance I shouldn't worry about all of this,right?

Easier said than done.